Dear praying family and friends,

You’re tenderly asking, “How are you feeling?” As promised, here’s my Update – but it’s not coming from steroid induced “Power Princess” as I had anticipated in my previous post.

• Becky’s Fairy Tale World:  “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo,” magic wands, and dancing the night away with Productivity.
• Becky’s Fractured Fairy Tale: The “Super Ball” felt more like a mosh pit!

Here’s the Latest:

Chemo Mouth

Better:

• Drinking water without contorting my face. Huge Thanks! I believe a thirsty, sensitive soul has prayed specifically for me to tolerate water. Feels miraculous!
• Food doesn’t taste as nasty; however, I’m learning to choose the least offensive foods which include: raw vegetables/salads, meat, and spicy. Generally avoiding: bread, sweets, cheesy/creamy, and fruit.
• XyliMelts! Chemo Mouth continuously hisses, “cancer.” Rinses and mints give relief for about 10 minutes, but XyliMelts slow-release silences the hiss for hours – even while I sleep. Wonderful!

Worse:

• Taste isn’t bouncing back between cycles. First cycle, 85% return to normal, so I thought Tim and I could enjoy a dinner out last weekend (end of Cycle 2) to celebrate our anniversary. Nope! About 70% normal – enough to avoid gagging, not enough for a nice dinner out!

Hair Loss

Better:

• Thankful for hats arriving in the mail, left beautifully wrapped on my porch, and lovingly hand-crocheted.
• Silky smooth legs!

 Worse:

• About 75% bald. Yesterday, I noticed a bulging vein – HUGE – right in the front. Nothing hisses “cancer” like a bald head.

Neuropathy

Better: Nope!

Worse:

• What began as a frightening, occasional tingle in my arm, slight numbing of finger tips, has worsened to constantly numb fingers, sleepy hands and feet. Although we expect feeling to return, now I need help with some small motor tasks, I consciously grip items tighter (especially glass!), and I clumsily wobble a bit as I can’t quite feel the floor (extra careful on my stairs!).

Fatigue/Aches

Better:

• Accepting “sick days” as a gift. Cozy blankets. Baths. Naps. Books. Music. Prayer. Still. Loved.
• Accepting help. Housecleaning. Shopping. Classroom. And many more random kindnesses from friends and strangers.
• Doc suggested double dose Aleve for peak bone and muscle pain. Relief! Always looking forward to the next dose.

Worse:

• Decreased bounce back between cycles. First cycle, 90% return to normal. Cycle #2, 70%.
• Wired-Tired. My carpe diem, 3-day steroid boost, Dance with Productivity was more like a Mosh Pit. In the end, I felt bruised and exhausted. Had hoped to write. Not possible.
• “Day 3 Crash” Hits me day 4, Friday. Hit harder and longer. Breakthrough this morning, Sunday.
• Walking. Starting to think: Is this where I turn? No, next block. <sigh>

Tim and Me: For Better or Worse

Then (29 years ago):

I felt like Tim was gipped – he waited for a beautiful bride and instead got me – bruised, bandaged, barfing, and bald.(Chemo THEN was 29 times worse than NOW!) Bedtime hurt most. He’d notice me curled up crying, rather than sleeping, and lovingly reassure me that I was exactly who he wanted. But I couldn’t help but think he’d been stuck with the booby prize. Maybe God will take me so Tim can get a better bride.

Now:

I realize all marriages face “for better or worse,” and if  he hadn’t married me – with breast cancer – he would have simply weathered a different “worse” with someone else. We both know I’m his chosen bride – for better or worse.

Our prayer: God, we want our marriage to show the truth of the gospel.

And I see it…

He waits for me. I see him – not clearly, but through the shade separating our loft bedroom window from the living room – where he waits for me.

I’m weary. It’s Friday night after treatment – my worst, my crash.

I pause, staring through the shade. He’s readying the couch for me. To be with him. He’s waiting for me.

And I’m undone. Loved.

And this is the gospel.

In my broken, weariness, Jesus loves me. And he says:

For I am going to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I am coming back. And I will take you to Myself— in order that where I am, you also may be. John 14:3

I am His! He is preparing a place for me to be with Him.

He’s waiting for me.

This is love – for better or worse.

Thanking God for you! And praying we know Him as our faithful, loving Bridegroom – more and more.

Love, Becky (His.Princess.Warrior.)

(Who, by faith,trusts death is not the end, but the beginning of forever life in heaven. And I will be there! While sin stained, He chose me. I said yes!  And He paid for the entire wedding with His own blood. In His eyes, I’m a beautiful bride – radiant, His delight. And my marriage to Tim gives me an earthly picture of this heavenly reality.)